The central Theme of my focus, my writing, and my being
I believe that the Holy Spirit has impressed upon me one central theme to maintain while framing my newest mission in life; that of authoring Christian apologetic books and poetic song lyrics (which really are nothing more than poems) of redemption, revealing just how transformative my life has been during the past forty years since I began kicking "Sin" under the table. Note that I just said [began]. I don't believe anyone ever fully succeeds in that endeavor. We just decide to attempt the conscious removal of easily identifiable sinful natures we possess (and hold on to dearly) 'as we become convicted'. This bold statement reveals the real truth inherent in eternal change. Ultimately, exploration of baggage we carry through life should lead to behavioral adjustments toward a natural, permanent, and inseparable characteristic change of thought processes, releasing that bondage after realizing the inherent risks of continuing to pursue the destructive activity or thought and then consciously reducing it to a minimal element of daily life rather than a prominent one . This, in essence, reveals the ultimate challenge for every true son and daughter of a heavenly father.
When I write, I am projecting my failure to accept myself as a loved child of God onto a template for redemption by facing the truth about my life; that I was intended to live a better life than that of sin and shame and brokenness caused by self-blame for my own circumstances. I reached a point where I could no longer exist in that world. I needed to make a choice whether to submit to the darkness of my past life or to make a right-turn from that life and focus on the Son, yes, you heard me correctly; NOT the 'sun' ... I am referring to 'The Son' of our almighty God who loves all mankind, made in his image, as His book points out. if we mortals come to understand and accept this truth then we can be set free from the chains of sin. We can first mute thoughts that control our brain and prevent any journey down to the heart where Truth is found.
In my former life, I spent a lot of time going about my days telling myself I was not a bad person for engaging in pornography. I was not a bad person for cheating on my wife. I was not a bad person for fudging on my taxes. I was not a bad person for taking advantage of my neighbor's good intentions. Afterall, I reasoned, everyone else was just the same as me. What is morality, anyway? Nothing more than a limiting of my freedom to live how I want; enjoy my self-interests. I can defend my position regardless of how it affects others as long as it serves my purpose. What do I care what other people think? What gives anyone the right to tell me how to live. Didn't morality evolve just so someone can justify their actions by imposing something they believe on one who does not share that belief?
That was my old self talking. My new self came to realize that living the way I used to is very destructive in the long run. It can only lead to failure in business and finance, failure in a marriage, failure in attitude, and failure in self worth. The ultimate outcome for many living this sort of existence is turning to dependence upon drugs or alcohol or other vices to provide an escape from reality. Further isolation gives credence to the brain's lies which shut out the heart and true self that God wants us to see. That truth is that we were made to live in god's image through His Son, Jesus Christ. God does not see our failures because He can only see Truth. Failure is not a Truth, it is an excuse to justify destructive behavior.
After living 43 years of my life in abject loneliness and confusion, I reached such a low point of thought that I had two choices. Change; or become a statistic. I chose to end all of the pain and shame I perceived as my existence in a cowardly act of suicide. When that failed, what resulted was an awakening that I never knew could exist. My subconscious mind took me to a crossroads and forced me to see a reality I had never conceived and make a decision to finally open my heart to the possibility of a better way to live; a life separate from sin and shame (as much as possible). A life with moral guidelines that have provided a long-term survival formula to keep in mind. That transformation in thinking has allowed me to walk upright and visualize being virtuous in God's eyes and become proud of who I am, not continually ashamed and scared. Not any more. That is not the life I now choose to live for the remainder of my days here on earth. I choose to walk in the light, and, as a result of making that choice and that choice alone, doors opened up almost immediately providing a new, positive direction and allowing spiritual mentorship to lead me in both thoughts and actions, which I have held onto with all my vigor and fortitude ever since surviving that possibly fateful end of existence in 1987.
No comments:
Post a Comment